The Lessons in Those Damn Breaking Years
At times I go back through my old writing journals from 5..10..15 years ago to see what my perspective on life was as I got older and in what ways I have changed or grown. Recently, I came across a wildly written insert that started off with WTF! Waking up 40, Frumpy and a PTA President. That first line made me laugh to the point of tears. Apparently, that was a bad day. Then the more pages I read that followed reminded me that it wasn’t just a bad day, but it was a really breaking year. It was messy and chaotic and I was using all of my time doing so many things that I really did not want to be doing, but left me feeling guilty if I chose not to do them. I was absolutely miserable while losing myself under the murky water that I felt over my head in and I realized I had given up my true self along the way of trying to please everyone that crossed my path. What followed became many incredible growth years from acknowledging that I needed to find a different way of living. Mentally, physically, spiritually- it all shifted and I found a person that I really enjoyed being.
Then last year happened. A hellish breaking year. Right at a point when I thought I was on this track of building a solid foundation for myself and what I wanted as a plan to work on for my future, life happened. I fell into sitting in my own head with more internal demons than I could have ever thought possible. When you honestly recognize the uncertainty of your path, you can take the steps to grow from them. The problem with last year’s breaking year was that the lessons that came along with the realization of life, I did not want to accept. I did not want to play. I did not want to entertain any positive growth to come out of that situation. And that is when life gets dangerous because we simply stop caring and loving. Luckily, I was blessed to continuously have people showing up for me and to keep reminding me to rebuild. The amazing women who I have in my life who never falter in being there for me remained there. The people from my past that willingly, or unknowingly, reconnected with me and stayed to listen. The new friendships that I formed when I allowed myself to start processing the bigger picture, while they were doing the same, are still with me. The lessons learned last year were not the happy ah-ha moments of my last breaking year, but never the less remain important. I learned this time that our moments on Earth is way too short to not create a life that you fully want to be a participant in and to figure out how to do that sooner than later. Sometimes that you have to say I don’t give a fuck and hope for the best that it is what suits your best interest. I also learned that the beautiful bonds you create in that ugliness are probably the people you want to remain in your life. If they stuck around during your messiest, they will remain when you are even stronger. And finally I learned that the demons don’t stay around forever if you put in the work to release them and that comes with love. Accepting love. Giving love. And realizing you are worthy of love even when you are broken.
Next year I will be turning 50 and working on that next insert to go something like Waking up 50, Happy, and a Kick-ass human being.