I was 21 when this photo was taken.

I had come in contact with my first modeling agent, who I had not seen in a few years, to find out she had decided to pursue her love for photography. We made arrangements for her to take some photos of me at her home to update my portfolio. I was nervous all the way there that morning due to the fact that I didn't feel “worthy” of the photos we planned to take because I was ‘too fat” to think I should be posing for her. I had  recently been told by another agent that I wanted to work with that I needed to lose 10 pounds that month to be part of a catalog that I really wanted to do, so his words played in my head making me question myself. When I arrived, she was a bit nervous as well, but really excited because she had started studying up on this new adventure. Since she was just starting her hand in photographing, she had her lights set up in her dining room, used a white sheet for the backdrop and I was laying across her black coffee table. Even though we both had our own level of insecurities, we did the photos and this is the product of two women testing their abilities to create new something together.

I still look at these photos and think what a shame it would have been had either of us stopped and listened to our inner critics. Another photo from that day hangs in my studio above my desk as a reminder to myself of a few things. First, it was the day that I realized I loved boudoir photography. I had found a photo from a magazine that I had wanted to some how recreate in our own way, so together we collaborated on this really wonderful shot. I look at that photo and see the elegant line of the female form. The softness in the posing of my hand. The way a hat covers most of my face which adds to the mystery of the whole photo making it feel more like a piece of art. That is my hope in shooting boudoir photography. To create something that has a unique feeling for every women I photograph that is more than just a photo.  Second, I look at that photo and it reminds me that I danced with my fear. My fear was that I was “not enough” that day. Ignoring the words spoken by some outside influence, that in reality was nothing more than the words of some groping man who put his hands around my thigh to tell me that at 5’6 and 115 pounds I was too fat. And finally, it reminds me of Johnny, my agent turned photographer. At this stage she really didn't have a lot of photography experience, but she had such a strong “I can f’ing do it” attitude - that she did! She created some of the most wonderful images in my portfolio, because it was her passion and so she figured it out.

The problem is fear drives so much of what we do. It is our response to that emotion that can either stop us from moving forward on the things we want or it can make us excited to create new experiences. It is hard to not take the easy way out and stay in our comfort zone where it is cozy and warm. Trust me…I find myself hanging out there with a bottle of wine on a number of occasions when my head fills with uncertainty. But do you know what? If you do stay within that space, there is so much to miss. You may never find your true passion. Or taste your best kiss from a found love. Or see the most beautiful parts of the world. Or even see yourself in a new light. And you won’t even know what you are missing because you have safely tucked yourself away for another day.

Almost every time I tell someone what I want my photography business to be about, I hear the same things…”I would love to do that but…I need to lose 5-10-15 lbs…I am too old....I don’t look good in photos..” and so on. Though really those excuses are all due to fear. Stop putting off the things you want to do because you don't think you are worthy enough. Don’t give in to that monster of doubt. It is really a fact that life is too short. I can guarantee you that you are beautiful and the main truth is that we are all our own worst critics. My goal is to prove that to every women who walks into my studio. Hell I am still nervous when it comes to being on either side of the camera, but I have the hope of living out my passion of being a voice of empowerment through the photos I take. I want to share what I and the rest of the world sees, because you are already perfect just the way you are. Quit letting your own misgivings dull your flame and see that it is time to let yourself shine. xoxo